Trowa Barton (trowa_barton) wrote,
Trowa Barton

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This Week

Still in limbo. Too tired to stay awake. Too awake to go to sleep. Been tossing and turning for a while. I feel physically and mentally drained for some reason.
Regret not being able to cuddle next to hammercock the night before her first day of her job. I'm glad that the wait was over after three months of job searching. Still trying to find the best way to celebrate. Saw the relief in her face when she told me the news.
Actually, she tried to phone me when she got the news, but I was in the Harvard theater. It was a random thing. I saw "About Schmidt" with Jack Nicholson. It was well done, but something gnawed at me throughout.
Not revealing any spoilers (just IMDb it), but if I ever become like Jack's character, I give anybody permission to shoot me. Part of me isn't kidding about it. I would rather die young than live to 66 in mediocrity with no sense of purpose and total sense of failure in wasting one's life. I refuse to live being defined by my paycheck/job description/pension. This is ironic considering my current job. It also feels ironic that I was more active with more energy on vacation than during work. I actually lost weight during the holidays despite the feasting (walking through New York can apparently do that).
The movie brought a few micro-epiphanies into my head (1) I'll never go hot tubbing without thinking about Kathy Bates (NOT GOOD). I need a kick to the head or go hot tubbing/sex more often. (2) The fear of a wasted life has been shared by my mother recently, especially since she will turn 50 in three months. I suddenly wrote to her telling her that her life has meaning and thanked her for my life with a promise that I will not put it to waste.
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