Trowa Barton (trowa_barton) wrote,
Trowa Barton

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Roleplaying (may contain spoilers)

Something came up in the middle of the night right before I fell asleep. In Intercon, I was a last-minute substitution for "Young Wizards in Love". I already had a 4 hour disadvantage, but I was given a character that struck a chord.
My character was a janitor but he was also a grieving widower at 24 (my actual age). He was a broken, defeated man who became incapable of feeling anything else since his wife's death. He was still in the recovering process, convalescing, with the pain keeping him alive. As long as he had that pain, he wasn't a complete zombie, for he couldn't feel anything else. This brought back painful memories for me.
About a year ago, I was part of a painful separation. The relationship I had mirrored the two-year happy marriage that my character had. Like "Marsha", she left within the year after, causing me to temporarily feel complete emptiness. I wasn't pissed. I wasn't upset. I was nothing. Work didn't make me happy. Did long hours because there was no reason to come home afterwards. For nearly a month, I was a walking corpse not wanting to feel again. It was true pain in its purest form in my eyes. It took a while to snap out of it. During the game, I had to channel that period in nearly four hours. Never realized this until now. Surprisingly enough, the GMs were still debating over whether my character finally found closure with his dead wife.
To make matters more interesting, my character was under a spell that allowed him to fall madly in love with a character who was created as an experiment with the memories of others. She had no memories of her own, for she was a day old. Another thought in my head was how much of that character was part of me. Do I have anything of my own, or am I merely the sum of all the personalities I encounter? My thoughts are based on observation, analysis, and adaption.
So, no shit, there I was playing a character that was me in the past interacting a character that could be me in the present. At 2am in the morning, just before I go to sleep, I find this...disturbing.
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