Trowa Barton (trowa_barton) wrote,
Trowa Barton

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Calm but bitter

Took a visit from hammercock to calm me down. Hand stopped hurting. Didn't even make a dent on the walls/door. Still trying to make some sense out of all of this.

It started around the time of my last birthday. A friend who I knew for a long time gave me a unique birthday present: the option to add benefits to our friendship. It seemed like the perfect deal. Of course I was interested. Unfortunately, it was a matter of getting approval and authorization from hammercock. In the three years of my poly experience prior to turning 26 that day, I never had a second relationship of any nature. Always had to deal with my SOs' other partners.
It took a long time for hammercock to be comfortable with it. Warnings and flashbacks came to mind of her ex-boyfriends and husband. She wanted time. I gave her time. I was patient. My friend was patient. That, plus the preparations for London, resulted in a waiting period of over two months. Once I came back from London, final authorization was granted. It was now a matter of scheduling. I thought the wait and patience would pay off.

Last night, on our scheduled meeting, she picked me up. We were to have dinner beforehand. Once I got into the car, she gave me the bad news. Circumstances have changed in the past two weeks (including her dating a couple of new guys). Too many men in her life. She can't afford the relationship with me. She called the whole thing off.

Once again, something that could have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!!!!

I put up a calm face during dinner, but it was a consolation dinner. Kept quiet until I got home and into my bedroom.

Then it all came out at once.

Screamed as loud as I could.
Punched the door a few times.
Kicked over some stuff.
Nearly cried.
Wrote a frustrating LJ entry

Nearly three months of planning, negotiations, and waiting were wasted.

I started questioning everything and blaming everybody including myself for just taking it. Then the past three years came into focus. What was the point in playing by the rules of being if I'm going to get screwed? I respected other people's boundaries, and where did it get me? I dealt with my girlfriend's other boyfriends and just accepted their problems and angst without hesitation. When it came down to it being vice versa, there was hesitation.

All of the women that I'm interested in, I can't have. All of the women who are interested in me, I don't want.

In the three weeks since I got back from London, I had to deal with long work hours, jury duty, my money disappearing to taxes, a fight with my mom, and now this. I can only imagine that I'm paying off karma at a very high rate.

It's almost like break-up, but there was nothing to break.

I'm tired of playing it safe in poly relationships. It's death by bureaucracy.
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