Trowa Barton (trowa_barton) wrote,
Trowa Barton
trowa_barton

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Firefly and the Holy Grail (Part 3)


A village in Beaumonde. A group of villagers are dragging a beautiful young woman who looks exactly like Saffron ("Our Mrs. Reynolds") through the streets. They drag her to a strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. A
strange-looking knight stands outside, Sir Book.

FIRST VILLAGER: We have found a bitch. May we burn her?
ALL: A Bitch! Burn her!
BOOK: How do you know she is a bitch?
ALL: She looks like one. Yes, she does.
BOOK: Bring her forward.

They bring her forward - Saffron dressed up in boots, potato sack, and packing a sidearm as a witch.

SAFFRON: I am not a bitch. I am not a bitch.
BOOK: But you are dressed as one.
SAFFRON: (sexily) They dressed me up like this.
BOOK: I'm a shephard
SAFFRON: Shit (drops sexily voice)
ALL: We didn't, we didn't!
SAFFRON: This is not my gun. It is a false one.

BOOK takes the gun. Fires. Yep, it's real.

BOOK: Well?

Saffron shrugs

BOOK: What's your name?
SAFFRON: Saffron
BOOK: I take it that's not real as well

Saffron shrugs again

FIRST VILLAGER: ... Well, we did do the boots.
BOOK: The boots?
FIRST VILLAGER: And the gun. But she is a bitch.
ALL: A bitch, a bitch, burn her!
BOOK: Did you dress her up like this?
FIRST VILLAGER: ... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.
BOOK: Why do you think she is a bitch?
SECOND VILLAGER: She lured me into a net
BOOK: A net?
SECOND VILLAGER: (After realizing that he isn't ionized or ripped apart)

I got better.

ALL: Burn her anyway.
MONTY (from "Trash"): The bitch was my wife!
BOOK: Your wife?
MONTY: I got better.
BEDEVERE: Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a bitch.

MAL and ZOE ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest

MAL: So, that's where she ran off to.
ZOE: What?
MAL: Nothing

ALL: There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Book?

BOOK: Tell me ... what do you do with bitches?
ALL: Burn them.
BOOK: And what do you burn, apart from bitches?
FOURTH VILLAGER: ... Wood?
BOOK: So why do bitches burn?
SECOND VILLAGER (pianissimo) ... Because they're made of wood...?
BOOK: Good.

PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.

ALL: I see. Yes, of course.
BOOK: So how can we tell if she is made of wood?
FIRST VILLAGER: Shoot her?
BOOK: Hmmmmm.....NO!!
SECOND VILLAGER: Run a heist with her?
BOOK: Ah ... but can you not shoot or run heists with non-bitches?
ALL: Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...
BOOK: Does wood sink in water?
ALL: No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To the pond.
BOOK: Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?
ALL: Lead? No, no, no. Protein bars .... Alliance bodies ... very small ships ...
MAL: A duck.

They all turn and look at MAL. BOOK looks up very impressed.

BOOK: Exactly. So... logically ...
FIRST VILLAGER

(beginning to pick up the thread)

If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

BOOK: And therefore?
ALL: A bitch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.
FOURTH VILLAGER: Here is a duck, Sir Book.

BOOK: We shall use my largest scales.
MAL: No need. She marooned me on a barren moon buck naked.

ZOE snickers

BOOK: Yep, she's a bitch.
ALL: A bitch! A bitch!
SAFFRON: It's a fair cop.
ALL: Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.
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