Trowa Barton (trowa_barton) wrote,
Trowa Barton
trowa_barton

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Something on the Internet


It is the role of Psychologists to study deviant behavior. It is clear that Star Fleet Battles tournament players deserve, and perhaps even need, to be studied. Surely it is some kind of sexual dysfunction that drives otherwise intelligent and rational men to subject themselves to the insanity of playing SFB. What other reasonable explanation can there be?

Dr. Clifford Wood became aware of this subject group when his son "got in with the wrong crowd" and started playing SFB obsessively. After observing his son and his friends, Dr. Wood formulated the following theories of how each player's ship preference reflects their psychological neuroses.

FEDERATION players are all Premature Ejaculators.

KLINGON players are Leather Fetishists.

BIG PLASMA players, as a group, are the kind of men that cannot resist falling asleep less than one minute after orgasm. They universally leave their partnet unsatisfied (when they actually have a partner, that is).

Players of any ship with a CLOAK are Exhibitionists. If you see them wearing a trench coat, notify the local authorities, and be sure to lead small children away.

ORION players cannot identify with a single gender distinction. They are all Cross-Dressers. If a player has achieved Ace status in an Orion ship, it is a strong indicator they have hermaphroditic sex organs.

KZINTI players are commonly "Furry" Fetishists. They are unable to get aroused unless wearing an animal-inspired costume, or at least a mask of such a creature.

LYRAN players are only attracted to women with DDD+ breast implants. They tend to spend a grossly disproportionate amount of their income at strip clubs.

HYDRAN players are afflicted with small penises, and the social anxiety that accompanies such a curse. (Seriously, look at the ship!)

WYN AUX players are aroused only by morbidly obese women.

WYN SHARK players are Piercing Fetishists. You will commonly notice they squirm in their chairs while playing. This is because of their fondness for the Prince Albert.

ISC players can only copulate in the Missionary Position. Their partners constantly berate them for their lack of creativity and spontaneity in the bedroom.

THOLIAN players have a fondness for cords and ropes. They commonly practice Autoerotic Asphyxation.
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